Forgive the Lovers

It’s become clear that Twitter is not the place to be coddled when you’re having love problems. If you take a scroll down the infamous “TL” (timeline), you will see countless tweets of people blaming other lovesick individuals for having the audacity to feel disappointed by past and present lovers. Those individuals have only themselves to blame for the abandonment, embarrassment, and heartache they have felt at the hands of others. They are told to “manage their expectations” when they feel slighted because a lover failed to text them back.  They are told to “build their self-esteem” when they admit they have experienced these feelings more than once. Without fail, someone will throw the word “accountability” out there, and others will run with it without much consideration.

It’s like “Wow, I’m hurt that this happened to m-“

“At, at, at! AcCoUntAbiliTy!”

Imagine your mom yelling at you for falling while playing, placing a bandage on a wound that should probably be seen by a doctor, and then sending you on your way. What is missing from this interaction? In order for a person to learn to move on from painful experiences, they must be allowed to both feel grief and seek comfort. Accountability is a step that must occur at some point after the first two. You cannot skip right from pain to accountability in every interaction and expect to be made whole.

Accountability is vital in one’s journey to happiness, but skipping parts of your own healing process will only lead you self-blame. Accountability is necessary for self-development and healing. It is freeing while self-blame is debilitating. Accountability is enlightenment and allows you to see how your past actions led you to painful situations in order to avoid them in the future.  Accountability places the power to change your situations in your hands. Self-blame is from external influences that immediately tell you that your pain is your own fault. It tells you that something is wrong with you that makes it easy for others to hurt you. It makes you feel weak for letting these things happen to you. There is no benefit to self-blame because blame is not from within.

Love is the most precious thing any human can experience in this life. It is the most powerful force we know. There is no shame in loving other people, even when they do not love you the way you would like. Love is giving, and for those whose love is boundless, it can be difficult to draw the line. You cannot, and should not, try to stop yourself from loving hard and giving others all you can. All you can do is learn from your experiences. After the pain of lost love subsides, you will be able to see things clearer and, hopefully, without judgement. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to get so serious with someone a decade younger than you. Maybe you should try to date outside of your own social circle to avoid messiness. That girl at your job looks really nice, but maybe you should break up with your own bad habits before forming new connections. You do not have to judge and degrade your past self to make better decisions today. You want to heal yourself, not stop being yourself.